Feeding Myself Instead of a Story

“Before I extend love outward, I now ask—have I offered love to myself first.”

This morning, I picked up my phone to text a housemate about the food in the fridge. She never asked. But I was already halfway through a message telling her what was available to eat. Then I paused. Why was I offering her something she never requested?

As I checked in, I realized I was creating a story—one where she was hungry and looking for something to eat. But the truth was, I was the one who was hungry. I had not eaten yet. I had not checked in with my body. I had not listened to the small, quiet voice inside asking: “Can we tend to ourselves now?”

So, I put the phone down. And I fed myself.

That one moment opened a deeper awareness I want to share with you—because it is a pattern I have lived before, and maybe you have too.

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1. Projection of Unmet Needs

Sometimes I unconsciously assign my own internal state—hunger, discomfort, loneliness—onto others. Rather than tending to what I feel, I project it outward and rush to support someone else.

In this case, I was projecting my hunger onto my housemate. I was trying to meet a need I had not yet acknowledged within myself.

What I’ve learned is that projection often looks like generosity on the surface—but it is actually a bypass. It keeps me from facing the truth of my own unmet needs. It diverts my energy outward, so I do not have to feel the discomfort inward.

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2. Caretaking as a Coping Mechanism

Growing up, I learned that love is earned through being helpful, needed, or useful. That offering support is how I stay connected. And while care can be beautiful when given from overflow, it can also become a survival pattern—one that kicks in when I feel vulnerable or unsure.

This morning, I defaulted into an old behavior:
Make sure she is okay.
Make sure she has what she needs.
Stay one step ahead.

But beneath that impulse was something softer and more honest—I needed care, too.

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3. Outward Attention as Avoidance of Inner Listening

Sometimes the impulse to help is really a distraction from hearing my body’s request.

When I picked up the phone, I thought I was doing something kind. But if I had sent that message, I would have ignored my own hunger in favor of offering something to someone who was not even asking.

This is what avoidance can look like when it’s dressed up as kindness. It is helping to avoid the vulnerability of being still. Of listening. Of feeding the self before feeding the story.

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4. Emotional Displacement

There is a part of me that, for years, did not feel safe to say, “I need something.” So I would move that feeling outward—toward whoever was closest. My discomfort would become their imagined need.

This is emotional displacement.

Not because I am selfish or unaware, but because sometimes it feels easier to care for others than to sit with the truth of what I feel. But this morning, something different happened. I paused. I stayed. And I chose to feed myself instead.

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I am growing into this practice.

• I am learning to understand my why—to notice the impulse and ask what it is pointing me toward.

• I am learning to see how, in the past, I often turned outward before listening within.

• I am practicing the pause—to check whether what I am offering is actually a projection of my own unmet need.

• I am remembering that I was taught to love others first, to reach outward before I ever thought to reach inward.

Today, I listened. I received the message: “I am hungry.”
And I honored it—by feeding myself first.

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